


how butterflies find flowers

by dreamrenhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Break Up, Friends to Lovers, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) is a Mess, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:48:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21766012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamrenhyuck/pseuds/dreamrenhyuck
Summary: Mark misses his chance over and over again. Donghyuck stops waiting.Three years later, Mark still misses.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101





	how butterflies find flowers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xuxikr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuxikr/gifts).



> Hi, everyone! This is my first take on writing for MarkHyuck, and I hope you all enjoy reading it. Like how it is indicated in the tags, the theme of the story is angst and it's written in a non-linear composition, so if you are not into those, please do not read this. 
> 
> This is for my friend Tiara, who is an incredible writer. Thank you for helping me get through bad days through your works ♡ 
> 
> Idk what to say in these notes but thanks for reading!

Donghyuck is glowing under the lights from the high ceiling, and despite being surrounded by flowers and well-dressed bridesmaids and groomsmen, Mark thinks he's the most beautiful sight in the room.

Truly, Mark believes that Donghyuck has a voice of an angel, but even saying that would be an understatement.

Doyoung and Jaehyun are taking their first dance (but third song) as a newlywed couple, and Mark loves them to death and is genuinely happy for the wedding, but there is nothing more endearing, more heart-aching than Donghyuck right now. 

It's his voice, and his skin, and the lingering gaze he keeps throwing at Mark, that's driving the older insane.

Mark doesn't recognize the song that's Donghyuck's singing. He assumes it's one of the songs he's written and composed for another singer, but Donghyuck finds a way to make any song his own.

Mark begins to count.

[♡]

At 24, Mark Lee is pretty much done with all kinds of romance the world could offer.

Unlike the person sitting next to him, Mark prefers to listen to State Champs rather than watch some high-rated romantic-comedy film during his 12-hour flight from Vancouver to Seoul, and while he has been moving around for most of his life, flying is not one of the things he’s very fond of. It would be embarrassing, to say the least, to ask a stranger to hold his hand during the first half of the entire flight to ease his nerves, so Mark opts to blast loud (but oddly enough, calming) music in his ears the second the crews permit him to do so, thank you very much.

And as much as the flight itself terrifies him to the bones, Mark fears for his heart when the plane lands in Seoul.

Mark Lee, the coward he is, hates flying more than anything else, but there is truly nothing more terrifying than Lee Donghyuck.

Ah, Lee Donghyuck.

Despite the pain that said name comes with, Mark’s heart skips a beat—three times, sometimes—at the thought of it.

Mark, as pathetic it sounds, knew Donghyuck like the back of his hands. ( _Knew_ because that it’s in the past. At present? He’s not too sure.)

Donghyuck, who used to be his sun, who had him orbiting around his gravitational pull for years, who used to be always so close but never close enough to touch, who might have never been the sun but maybe just a shooting star passing by.

Through Mark’s peripheral view, he catches a scene of _Love, Rosie_ from his seatmate’s screen, and if he thinks about it, Alex is to Rosie, like how Donghyuck is to Mark.

Alex and Rosie, like Donghyuck and Mark, are long-time best friends who used to be inseparable, whose worlds used to revolve around each other, until one day they don't. Rosie misses her chance; Alex stops yearning, hoping, waiting and gets on with his life.

It’s a bunch of tangled webs as how the story went. Different characters are introduced and had said their goodbyes, but in the end, it’s Alex and Rosie.

Kind of similar, Mark admits. Only Donghyuck doesn’t end up kissing him in a hotel room with an awe-striking view of the horizon just across the window. Unfortunately.

Mark buries the feeling in his chest deeper, if that’s even possible, and closes his eyes, just when his flight time strikes to one hour. Eleven hours is a long time, he thinks, but not enough to prepare him for what he’s about to face when the plane lands.

He might as well sleep it off.

[♡]

Mark wakes up with a hiss, a sharp, jabbing pain in his left leg waking him from his unscheduled sleep, and finds a man sitting on top of him.

“Donghyuck, I swear to God,” he breathes, kicking his best friend’s weight from his leg. “I will freaking kill you!”

“Mark Lee, you’re a whole ass 21-year old college student, why are you so scared to cuss?” Donghyuck replies, moving further so his entire body is completely on top of Mark.

Mark has to pretend that the other’s warmth doesn’t make him feel some type of way, so he pushes Donghyuck as hard as he can, until the latter falls from his leg onto the carpeted floor.

“Fuck you,” Donghyuck mumbles, his mouth forming a pout that Mark would gladly smack out of his face. With his very own lips. “It’s literally noon. Why are you napping, hyung?”

“Well, Donghyuck,” Mark starts, finally sitting up, rubbing his eyes while looking for the pair of specs that is already being shoved to him by his best friend. “Unlike you, I had to work until two in the morning. Plus I forgot to do my laundry. I had to throw my clothes in before I slept.”

“You’re overworking yourself again, I see,” Donghyuck muses, sighing as he scoots to sit cross-legged across Mark on a bed too tiny for them.

“You know how it is on the last few weeks of the semester,” Mark answers, tilting his head in attempts to get some kind of relief. “What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be doing something stupid with Jaemin?”

“There’s a music festival on the fourth,” Donghyuck starts right away. “Jaemin’s wondering if I would be interested to go, says he could get us some free passes from the guy he’s hooking up with.”

“Which one? Lee Jeno? Or Yoon Sanha?” Mark asks, genuinely curious because Jaemin is Jaemin and he could never be caught exclusively hooking up with one person.

Donghyuck shrugs, “Does it matter? Is it a yes or a no? That’s the question.”

Donghyuck begins to fiddle with his fingers, playing with the ring on his middle finger, and Mark recognizes this instantly. Donghyuck is nervous. Mark might have a tiny idea why.

“Are you finally, officially asking me out?” Mark half-jokes, scratching the back of his head. Donghyuck looks anywhere but his face, but Mark catches a glimpse of his eyes.

And if the eyes are the windows to one’s soul, then Donghyuck’s are wide open with no curtains, bare from all layers—at least, that’s how they are to Mark. His eyes are wavering, and though Donghyuck has mastered the art of keeping his face as tough as steel, those orbs can only do so little when it comes to hiding from Mark.

Mark smiles, reaching out and leaning closer, kneeling right in front of Donghyuck, who now has his head low. “I’m only kidding, Hyuck,” he finally says, taking it easy on his best friend. “Of course. I will come with you.”

Donghyuck stops fiddling his fingers and finally looks up to meet Mark’s eyes. “You’re not irreplaceable, Mark Lee,” he says smugly. “Don’t think too highly of yourself.”

Donghyuck begins to bite his fingernails. 

Mark doesn’t think twice to reach out and hold one of Donghyuck’s hands, mumbling about the younger's bad habit of biting his fingernails. It’s warmer compared to his, and Donghyuck lets out a whine about his freezing hands but squeezes his hand right back anyway.

Mark Lee is content with this, and he hopes Donghyuck is, too.

The lingering touches. The stolen kisses. The piercing glances.

While they all seem fleeting and simple, they mean the most of Mark. He begins to think if Donghyuck feels the same as he pulls the younger closer until they’re both lying on his bed, Donghyuck’s cheek resting on top of his cold chest.

He wonders if Donghyuck means it, that he’s not irreplaceable and that maybe he’s a little too comfortable, a little too satisfied with whatever it is they have.

Donghyuck had asked him once. Mark remembers it vividly.

“How long, hyung?” the younger had asked, his voice an octave deeper, his gaze a shade darker. “How long is it going to take until you let your feelings consume you?”

Mark doesn’t want his feelings to consume him, because it’s going to hurt like hell. He knows because it’s Donghyuck.

Donghyuck who feels like home. Donghyuck whose hands are warm enough for his cold ones. Donghyuck, his own little sun.

So if he loses him, then what? What happens to Mark Lee’s galaxy?

“Hyung,” Donghyuck had asked him on that one drunken night. “When are you going to want for more?”

Mark wonders what his answer would be if Donghyuck asks him again now. He doesn’t remember what he had answered that night, he probably never gave one, but a part of him wants Donghyuck to ask again.

But Donghyuck falls asleep in his arms, never asking again. Mark still waits.

[♡]

When it’s over, Mark could only sigh in relief.

The 12-hour flight is a pain in the ass, and Mark wishes he only meant it figuratively. Waiting was once something he was good at, and Yukhei often told him he wishes he had half the patience that Mark had. Mark thinks about it now, and reflects whether he’s still as patient and as willing to wait as he had been a few years back. Ridiculous, how one could change so much in a lifetime.

Na Jaemin is standing behind a barricade when Mark is finally at the arrival area. He is holding a piece of paper. _WELCOME HOME, MARK LEE_ , it says in a messy handwriting. Mark doubts Jaemin even used an actual pen to write that down, but he appreciates the sentiment.

Jaemin doesn’t give Mark much time to cross the boundary, because he attacks the latter in a bone-crushing hug the second he’s allowed to. Mark almost topples on him, his eyeglasses at risk of either falling out of his face and into the cold, hard ground, or being crushed between his nose and Jaemin’s shoulder.

“Hyung, hyung, hyung, hyung, hyung,” Jaemin chants, swaying Mark left and right like he weighed nothing. “My chest is about to explode. You have no idea how much I missed you, and you were taking too long inside. The security guard almost kicked me out for attempting to jump over these stupid barricades.”

“Ah, Na Jaemin,” Mark sighs, returning the hug with almost the same force. “Some things never change.”

Jaemin pulls away. Mark almost misses the way Jaemin wipes a tear from the corner of his eye. “Hyung, you’re all grown up.”

Mark rolls his eyes as the younger’s words, mumbling how he should be the one saying that to him and not the other way around.

Jaemin helps Mark with his baggage despite it being comprised of one small luggage, a duffel bag, and his backpack. Jaemin begins to nag on their way to his car.

“You’ve been gone for literally two years and you think packing three old shirts and a pair of jeans will be enough to get you through your entire trip here?” Jaemin gasps. “You’re stupid if you think Jisung is allowing you to leave right after what we’re all here for. He’s had an entire month planned out the second you agreed to come home!”

“I didn’t bring _only_ three shirts, for your information. And I did bring a few pairs of trousers and some coats,” Mark defends. “And I can’t extend my trip here. I thought we’ve all got that one settled.”

Jaemin laughs, as if what Mark said sounded like a joke, leading the latter towards the exit of the airport. “You know Jisung will 100%, without hesitation, burn your passport if it could make you stay a little longer, don’t you?”

Mark chuckles, his chest swelling at the thought of Jisung being the most thrilled of his arrival in Seoul. Jisung had been the tallest when he entered freshmen year in the university, and maintained the spot until Mark finally graduated and eventually flew back to Vancouver. He wonders how much the younger man had grown since then.

“Yukhei is still in a meeting, so he won’t be around until around five maybe,” Jaemin fills him in. “Jungwoo-hyung is with Jisung and Chenle as we speak. The rest are probably on their way to Yukhei’s penthouse.”

“Why are we going to Yukhei’s penthouse if he’s not there?” Mark asks. “Does he even know other people are going to be there?”

“Nope,” Jaemin answers confidently. “But you’re, like, his bro or dude for life, or something. He’ll understand.”

“How do you even know his home passcode? Jaemin, he can sue you for this,” Mark laughs.

Jaemin pulls Mark towards his car.

“Yukhei and Jungwoo practically live together now,” he shrugs. “Remember back in college, when Yukhei’s fancy condo unit eventually became everyone’s? That’s still how it is now. Only this time, he owns an entire floor at the most luxurious place in Seoul,” Jaemin says. “Like you said, some things never change.”

Jaemin opens the compartment and helps Mark stuff his things.

It’s snowing. Mark heaves, breathing slowly, as if bracing himself from the cold. But the harsh breeze doesn’t hit him, or maybe it does, but Mark doesn’t feel it for him to flinch or sink further in his thick coat.

He begins to think that it’s perhaps because it’s almost just as cold as it is in Vancouver, but at the back of his mind, he knows that it doesn’t feel cold _because it’s home._

Jaemin helps him settle. An old track from the local radio station plays just as he starts the ignition. Mark hasn’t heard the song in years, but his mouth sings the lyrics like it had only been yesterday.

Some things never really change.

[♡]

Donghyuck suddenly changes his hair color on sophomore year and Mark Lee is about to have an aneurysm.

Jaemin makes fun of him, laughing as if this has been the most hilarious things he’s ever seen in his entire life, and deems the day as the best day of his entire life.

“Am I a joke to you?” Mark asks. Jaemin doesn’t even have to answer. “Screw you, Na Jaemin.”

Mark almost chokes on his water when Donghyuck walks closer towards their table on the corner of the cafeteria. Donghyuck has a shy smile on his face, evidently aware of the attention that the people around are giving him, but Mark really can’t blame anyone if they stared a little too long at Donghyuck.

Because Donghyuck is already beautiful, with his shining eyes and glowing skin and a smile that could make the earth stop orbiting around the sun.

But _this_ Donghyuck. Blond Donghyuck. He’s something else. Mark might get a heart attack if he looks at him longer.

“I told you you’d look great!” Jaemin exclaims.

Donghyuck blushes. Mark sees the shyness on his eyes, but Donghyuck hides it with a smug smirk across his mouth.

“Careful, Nana,” Donghyuck warns. “I don’t want you getting hurt when I reject you.”

Jaemin gasps, “You would never!”

Donghyuck playfully sticks out his tongue on Jaemin and finally, _finally_ , turns towards Mark. Mark’s breath is caught in a hitch.Donghyuck tilts his head slightly and Mark is about to punch himself in the face.

“What do you think?” the younger asks, smiling cheekily. “Do you think I look better blond or redhead?”

Mark swallows. It takes him great power not to pull Donghyuck and kiss him squarely on the mouth.

 _Blond, definitely_ , he thinks. _You’re beautiful._

But he only shrugs and mutters a small ‘either way is fine’. Jaemin kicks him under the table.

Donghyuck sighs, taking out his phone to open its front camera, probably to check himself out as he brushes his fingertips in his hair.

“You’re cheap, Mark Lee,” he says, putting his phone down. “I basically burn my scalp to get this hair color and pull it off better than Kang Seulgi ever will, and all I get from you is, ‘either way is fine.’”

Jaemim laughs hysterically.

“Oh, Mark Lee, we need to work on your communication skills.”

[♡]

Mark’s comprehension in Korean went from bad to worse, if that’s even possible.

Chenle is currently roasting him for it, joking about how someone whose DNA consists zero Korean blood is better at him in said language. Jisung and Jaemin are fighting over Mark’s luggage, already calling dibs on some of his shirts before the owner even had the time to unpack them.

Jungwoo is taking his time with the stew he’s making, looking very much at home in Yukhei’s kitchen, and Jeno is currently lying down, half of his body on the couch and the other half on Mark’s lap.

Mark’s hands absentmindedly play with Jeno’s hair while the latter begins to ask about Vancouver, as if they hadn’t been Facetiming just two weeks ago when Mark had joined a conference in Los Angeles.

Mark feels a little disoriented, his mind still a little hazy after the 12-hour trip, and he hates that the jetlag is hitting him as early as now. He feels like he could fall asleep anytime soon.But then he hears the door being unlocked, voices faintly filling his ears.

He looks at the digital clock displayed just above Yukhei’s fancy television. 3:14 p.m. Jaemin mentioned Yukhei wouldn’t be available until five. Mark realizes it could only mean one thing.

“Sorry, I'm late,” the brown-haired boy says, his voice making Mark feel suffocated, stepping out of his boots because God forbid whoever steps inside Wong Yukhei’s penthouse wearing their shoes.

Jeno abruptly stands, probably noticing the sudden change in Mark’s breathing pattern. Chenle tries to break the ice, but Mark catches the last thing he expected to see on Donghyuck’s hand.

It’s a small silver band, and the lights on Yukhei’s living room reflect on the small object wrapped around Donghyuck’s finger. Mark doesn’t see much of the details. But he knows exactly what it is.

Mark doesn’t realize Donghyuck’s almost five feet away from his space.

“Hi, Mark,” he says. Mark breathes. “How have you been?”

[♡]

“It’s terrible,” Mark grunts. “The worst day of my entire life.”

Donghyuck giggles, standing and walking towards Mark, who stands in the middle of the room, a pout adorning his face. Donghyuck doesn’t wait a single second and wraps his arm around Mark, engulfing him in a hug that relieves all the worry on the latter’s forehead.

Mark sighs in relief, like he had been waiting all day for this. For a single hug.

“Don’t be too dramatic,” Donghyuck mumbles. “Yukhei’s gonna be ballistic if you called his parents’ wedding anniversary the worst day of your life.”

“You should have been there,” Mark muses. “They were introducing me to so many people, and my uncle knows I’m shit at socializing, therefore forcing me to hang out with people I barely know is like stabbing me in the eye and asking me how many fingers you’re holding up.”

“What could I have done if I were there?” Donghyuck asks, his voice muffled against Mark’s chest.

Mark smiles.

“Nothing,” Mark answers. “Absolutely nothing.”

“Then why would you need me there?” Donghyuck asks again. Mark knows he’s teasing him now, poking him until he gets the answer he wants to hear.

Mark is not going to deny Donghyuck of that. Besides, nothing is more satisfying than knowing he could make Donghyuck feel flustered despite of his strong, wild persona.

So Mark kisses the top of his head, making Donghyuck nuzzle his nose deeper in the older’s chest, and hugs him closer.

“Because nothing is as bad as it seems when you’re around, my love.”

Donghyuck begins to pull away, making Mark hold onto him tighter, as if his hands would grow cold without touching the younger. Donghyuck only laughs, allowing Mark to hug him longer, and Mark wonders if he could stretch this night out for as long as he can. 

[♡]

The moment passes by quickly. 

Chenle doesn't waste a single second, getting up from his space on the other couch, and announces that it's about time they choose a film from Yukhei's endless selection. Mark already looks suffocated at Donghyuck's presence, and he has yet to say a single word to aforementioned boy. Jeno coughs awkwardly and Jungwoo decides to just mind his own business.

"Donghyuck," Mark acknowledges, tasting the foreign feeling of the younger's name in his mouth. He doesn't remember the last time he actually uttered Donghyuck's name, doesn't recall if it always tasted like lingering bitterness and a hint of yearning.

"It's been a long time, Mark," Donghyuck answers in a soft, familiar tone, and Mark remembers this from all the conversations they had at three in the morning, when Donghyuck was just Donghyuck - vulnerable, raw, Donghyuck.

The younger's tone is enough for Mark to decide that he's cutting his trip shorter than it is. A week, he had promised Doyoung and Jaehyun, he'll leave two days after the wedding. But this moment, when he feels frozen in place, Donghyuck right across him, Mark begins to ponder if it had been a good idea to come back in Seoul at all.

Mark loves Doyoung and Jaehyun, and would do anything for them in a heartbeat. Therefore, when the couple announced their engagement two months ago, it had been a quick, solid _yes, of course, hyung_ despite Mark rambling at how excited he is. Mark wouldn't miss it for the world, even when it had been exactly two years and six months since the last time he's breathed the air of Seoul and that he would rather die than be in a 12-hour flight, he swore he would be with his friends on such a big chapter in their lives.

His schedules were immediately reconstructed, a ticket to Seoul safely tucked in the files on his desk, and Mark's parents were already sending him items they want him to bring back to Vancouver when the wedding is over. However, what Mark failed to prepare is himself.

Mark _knew_ this would happen. He knew that coming back would mean seeing Donghyuck again after so long, and he knew that at any given time their presence would collide, Mark would be a goner. 

Quite funny, if he thinks about it, how after all these years, Mark is still a coward.

He finally clears his throat, nodding awkwardly after deciding that it's best if he keeps his mouth shut. Less words exchanged over this week-long trip, less mistakes, and the lesser the mistakes, the easier it is to leave when he has to.

Mark appreciates that Donghyuck doesn't push it, doesn't try to sit beside him and come up with a conversation, a small talk about the weather or Vancouver or something. Donghyuck sits on the farthest corner of the couch and Chenle and Jeno sits between them.

Just when Chenle's chosen film begins to play and Jungwoo announces that Yukhei will be arriving sooner than expected, Mark catches a glimpse of Donghyuck's ring again, his hands starting to tremble, the realization hitting him a second time, but this time, harder.

Donghyuck is engaged.

[♡]

“You’re lying,” Mark gasps, almost dropping his iPad upon Donghyuck’s revelation. “Holy shit, Donghyuck, that’s huge!”

“Never thought I’d hear that in another context but thanks, hyung,” the younger replies, a proud smile etched on his mouth. He reaches over and shows Mark a paper, the confirmation of his participation in a convention in Shanghai a couple of weeks from now.

“Wait until Jaemin hears this,” Mark rambles, already on his phone to text said friend about the good news. “He’s going to throw a party for you.”

“You guys are too proud of me,” Donghyuck whines. “What if I end up being such a flop outside my comfort zone? There are going to be so many amazing artists out there. I heard some vocal majors from Konkuk are attending the conference with me, and I am already terrified of _them._ I can't imagine myself once I'm surrounded by even more talented and more intimidating singers."

Mark puts down his tablet on his desk, sighing as he steps closer towards Donghyuck. They're in Mark's shared dorm again, and Donghyuck just dropped by to tell him the great news in person. Neither of them has much time to meet these days, with Mark's internship at Seoul's biggest web developer company and the drastic changes in Donghyuck's schedule, it's a little to difficult to _hang out_ in the safety of Mark's dorm room.

Donghyuck is evidently taken aback when Mark suddenly wraps an arm around his waist, tumbling when Mark pulls him to his chest, his other hand gently holding by the neck, and kisses the air out of his lungs. Mark regrets closing his eyes when their lips touch, thinking about the way Donghyuck looks like whenever he kisses him like _this._

Like Donghyuck's all he's ever needed. Like all the years of pining and hurting are expressed in a single kiss. Like it's everything he's always wanted _and more._

It's not the first time they kiss - Mark has lost count after they made out in Yukhei's car two months ago while all their friends are drunk and out of their minds - but it always feels like it is.

Donghyuck's lips are soft, soft, _soft_ , and Mark can never get enough of the kissing him. The first, featherlight, a little hesitant touch of their lips would be Mark's second favorite part (the favorite is when Donghyuck's licks mouth and nibbles on his lower lip), and his hands, his delicate hands would always be in Mark's hair, pulling and pressing and touching.

It's perfect until Donghyuck pushes him on his bed, his legs on the either side of his legs, and sits on Mark's lap.

He's kissing him, his lips, his cheeks, his nose, his neck, his jaw, but he stops when Mark begins to unbutton his shirt. Mark looks up to him, confused and eager and dazed, and usually, Donghyuck would give in without a single fight, but this time he stops Mark's hands and asks him. 

"What are we doing, hyung?" Donghyuck lets out, like he's been holding this breath forever and now he's finally exhaling it.

"We're," Mark starts, but doesn't have an answer to that. "We're -"

"Messing around. Having fun while we can," Donghyuck finishes, quoting Mark's words the first time they hooked up. "I know. But that was before, right? What about now, hyung? What are we doing now?"

Mark's hands drop on Donghyuck's side. Donghyuck quickly takes both of them in his, giving Mark a comforting squeeze, as if he's encouraging Mark to say something. To be brave. To let go. 

"We can't go on like this if you don't answer me, hyung," Donghyuck says softly. "I know what I want, and you know that it's you. Just you. From the beginning. As long as I live. And you are making me happy right now, hyung. But I need to know if this is what you want, too."

"Love, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want you," Mark explains, eyes wavering.

"Hyung, listen to me," Donghyuck urges, letting go of one of Mark's hands to hold the older's jaw so they could look into each other's eyes. "Tell me now, hyung. Tell me now, honestly, if this is something you would want in the long run."

"Donghyuck," Mark sighs, like he's begging for Donghyuck to stop asking. But Donghyuck doesn't let his guard down. He keeps his hands on Mark, waiting.

Mark wants nobody but Donghyuck. From the beginning. For as long as he lives. And Donghyuck is making him happy, and Mark knows well that Donghyuck _will_ make him happy in the long run.

But Mark has other things in mind other than what he feels now. He has codes to master and board directors to impress. Donghyuck has auditions to pass and flights to catch and _now,_ an opportunity in Shanghai. _Now_ is not the best time.

So, Mark comes up with a stupid answer. 

"I-I don't know, Donghyuck," he says nervously. "I mean, you're clearly making me happy. And I don't plan on seeing anyone else, but I haven't really gotten around to think about it."

Donghyuck takes his touch away. Mark reaches out to hold his hands in place. 

"Think about it?" Donghyuck asks, voice shaking. "What is there to think about? It's a simple question, hyung. Do you want me for a long time or am I just some good fuck for you?"

"Donghyuck, why are you saying that?" Mark asks, angry now. "I just said you make me happy. And I'm not playing with you. I just - it's... with all the things going on in my life and yours, a relationship is not something I can maintain right now."

"Maintain?" Donghyuck chuckles, pulling his hands away and leaning back to put some space between them. "Mark, we've been best friends since we were in high school. Literally nothing has changed for us except we kiss and fuck now. What is there to think about? I really do not understand."

Mark sighs. The sound of it makes Donghyuck pull away further until he's standing and picking up his backpack. 

"Donghyuck, wait," Mark says, but Donghyuck is already out of his room, barefoot, his shoes in his hands.

[♡]

When Donghyuck comes back after receiving a phone call, Mark thinks he can breathe better now.

Jungwoo gives him a comforting squeeze on the shoulder and asks him if he's okay. Mark is, for the most part, okay, he thinks. Because it had been so long, and he thinks that two years should have been enough for him to be okay, to get over Donghyuck and to stop dwelling on the chances he had missed. 

So, yes, when Jungwoo asks him the second time, Mark nods and mumbles a yes. 

Donghyuck comes back with a familiar face. Mark can't get it wrong.

It's Huang Renjun.

[♡]

"Renjun is okay," Donghyuck mumbles, clearly trying to avoid the topic. But Jaemin pushes his buttons until Donghyuck has had enough, so he pushes Jaemin until he falls off his chair.

"Okay? That's all you have to say?" Jaemin asks. "You've been seeing him for three weeks and "okay" is the word you would describe? Dude, I'd break up with you if I were him."

Mark feels uncomfortable, but he pretends that the chapter he's reading is far more interesting than Donghyuck's new boyfriend. (Well, not boyfriend exactly. The younger mentioned that him and this Renjun guy are taking things slow, but it's going to end up in that direction anyway, so Mark calls him _the_ boyfriend in his head.) He tries his best to look like he's not listening, like his stomach is not hurting and his chest is not tightening while Jaemin forces anecdotes from Donghyuck's mouth.

Donghyuck himself looks like he'd rather be anywhere than Jaemin and Mark's shared dorm room, but he keeps still, sitting on the edge of Jaemin's bed. He clear his throat, unlocking his phone to divert his attention elsewhere, but Jaemin is Jaemin.

"Come on, just tell me!" Jaemin insists. "Was he a good kisser? Does he use a lot of tongue like Yukhei?"

"Yuk-" Donghyuck gasps. "Yukhei, like our Yukhei?! Jaemin, you whore!"

"That was one time!" Jaemin defends. "And it's not like you and Mark-hyung did not fuck around before you met Renjun."

Mark almost falls off his chair.

"What?" Jaemin asks, looking at Mark. "You think I didn't know? I live here. I know where you throw your used condoms _and_ I noticed how often you wash your sheets. I may be a dumbass but I'm not _stupid._ "

Donghyuck sighs. "Jaemin, stop. I swear I'll hit you."

Jaemin does, but doesn't let Donghyuck change the topic because he wants to know more about Renjun if the latter refuses to invite his boyfriend when the group hangs out. 

Mark keeps on pretending the book he's reading is still interesting.

[♡]

For Doyoung and Jaehyun's bachelor party, the group had to be divided into two.

Mark, Jaemin, Jisung, and Yukhei were all going to Jaehyun's in the other side of the city, courtesy of Johnny and Taeyong who personally planned the grand party for their favorite dongsaeng. Meanwhile, Donghyuck, Renjun, Chenle, Jeno and Jungwoo had planned Doyoung's party, along with Taeil who funded the party (the younger ones planned it, Doyoung thinks that it might not be the best idea). 

Johnny and Taeyong never disappoint when it comes to parties. Mark had thought that after college, they would lose their spark in setting up amazing parties, but the night proved him extremely wrong. 

The alcohol is disgusting, but Mark likes that it's making Yukhei do even more stupid things, and one can only imagine what Yukhei could do drunk when he's already a disaster sober. Jaemin says he doesn't drink much, something about regretting it in the future if he drowns himself in alcohol during his prime years, but Mark knows he probably just wants to witness everyone's stupidity sober. Jisung is a snob who thinks so highly of himself and looks down on his hyungs constantly, but Mark is laughing at the maknae's poor attempts of standing upright after downing five shots of tequila, thanks to Johnny's impressive barista skills.

Meanwhile, Jaehyun is having the time of his life dancing half-naked on top of the bar counter, singing a pop song that Mark has heard a million times in the radio, and Taeyong is making sure that every single thing is well documented, for future references, of course.

The night stretches out longer than Mark had thought, so when Taeyong receives a call from Taeil that it's about time they all head home, Mark feels like his body is dead.

Mark is staying at Yukhei's penthouse during the entire trip, so it's a mess, to say the least, because he had to basically carry a very drunk and very heavy Yukhei all the way from the ground floor to his home. 

When Mark gets there, hands are instantly out there to help him out. His drunken gaze almost misses Donghyuck's face, but Mark recognizes the warmth of his hands in a heartbeat, regardless of how long it's been.

Donghyuck scrambles when he helps Mark drag Yukhei to his room, but the two of them manage to tuck their giant friend on his bed. Jungwoo is already snoring softly on one side of Yukhei's bed, and naturally, Yukhei curls up to him when his body hits the sheets. Mark decides to leave quickly, because the more time he spends in Donghyuck's space, the harder it is to breathe.

But Donghyuck pulls him by the arm when they're out of Yukhei's room.

"Water," is what the golden boy says when Mark looks at him. "You need to drink water, Mark."

Mark nods, following when Donghyuck leads him towards the kitchen, and wonders if this is one of his dreams again, tricking him to think that Donghyuck is one touch away, that they still orbit around each other. Mark realizes it's not a dream when he looks at Donghyuck's eyes. 

He used to figure out Donghyuck simply by looking into his eyes, but now, Mark realizes, that Donghyuck is more of a stranger to him. Donghyuck's eyes are no longer as warm and as welcoming as they used to be, like a light bulb burnt out and a single spark put out.

Mark drinks from the glass of water that Donghyuck hands him.

"Thank you," Donghyuck says. "For drinking, I mean. Okay. Are you okay?"

Mark hums, nodding and mumbling a thank you. He can't bring himself to speak. 

"I need to get going," Donghyuck announces. "I, uhh, only stayed a bit to make sure thay Yukhei comes home safely. Goodnight?"

Mark almost agrees, but he catches another glimpse of Donghyuck's ring, and if he's going to end up doing something dumb tonight, he can always blame it to alcohol.

Donghyuck, who looks beautiful under Yukhei's kitchen lights, smiles at him softly, so that's when Mark completely loses every ounce of composure he's been pretending to have since he arrived in Seoul.

"Want me to make you a cup of that badass coffee you used to like back in college?"

[♡]

"Hyung, this is the most disgusting coffee I've had in my entire life," Donghyuck complains, leaning over the counter where Mark is working on the opposite side of. "Stop jeopardizing the café's reputation. You're not some scientist so stop mixing concoctions from hell just to brag that you're a part-time basista and a full time college student. You will make me sick. Literally."

Mark ignores all of it, eyebrows furrowed as he tries to make another cup of coffee from scratch. 

"I will not join you in this stupid crusade of making your own recipe," Donghyuck continues. "And I will tell Johnny-hyung you're wasting coffee!"

"Aha!" Mark exlaims when he thinks he's got it right. "Try this one. It should taste better."

"You've been saying that since last week," Donghyuck mumbles, but takes the cup from Mark anyway. "You didn't even listen to my monologue about conserving coffee ingredients."

Donghyuck drinks. Mark waits.

It still tastes disgusting.

[♡]

It's sweet, Mark notices, and he wonders if it's too sweet for Donghyuck now that they're older, wiser. But if it doesn't fit the younger's taste anymore, he doesn't say anything about it.

The night is quiet. Donghyuck sits across him on the kitchen island. Mark stands behind it, and it feels familiar, but this time, Mark is looking at a stranger.

Mark suddenly blurts out, "How are you?"

"Thought you'd never ask," Donghyuck answers, a smile forming in his mouth, a little spark ignited on his eyes. "I've been living well, Mark Lee, thank you very much for asking." 

Donghyuck takes another sip. "Life's been going well so far. And I never thought I'd sit across you, drinking your coffee again in a million years. But here we are."

Mark agrees. "It's been a while."

Mark pulls one of the stools and sits so he's on the same level as Donghyuck. 

"Almost three years, huh?" The younger says. "If someone had told me when I was sixteen, that I would survive three years without Mark Lee, I would have laughed at them because that would be the funniest joke ever said. I always knew in my heart that there would never be a time in my life that you're not around, Mark."

"Yet here we are," Mark replies.

"Here we are," Donghyuck agrees. "Looking at you only reminds me of who I was."

Mark gulps. Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Did Mark remind Donghyuck of bad days? 

"I can hear you thinking," Donghyuck jokes. "It's not a bad thing, if you're curious. Because regardless of what happened to us, I knew I was the happiest, the brightest when we were together."

Mark wants to cry.

"Donghyuck, I'm - "

"There's nothing to apologize for anymore," Donghyuck cuts him off. "But I wanted to thank you, because I don't think I ever got to."

They take a sip at the same time. Donghyuck giggles. 

"I wanted to say thank you," he continues. "On your graduation day, but we weren't exactly on speaking terms. And I brought Renjun with me on that day, so I couldn't blame you when you couldn't even look at me."

"That was my fault," Mark sighs.

"I know," the younger laughs. "But I should have tried harder to come say thank you. Because I wouldn't have survived half the shit I went through if it weren't for you."

Mark listens.

"And when you were gone, I," Donghyuck pauses, fiddling with his fingers. "I was so lost. And I wanted to call you and ask if we could still make it work as friends because half of me was you, Mark. And when you left, it felt like I only had half a lung with how difficult it was to breathe and live."

Mark expects Donghyuck to bite his fingernails like he usually did when they were younger. But Donghyuck only plays with his hands.

"But you survived," Mark points out. "Donghyuck, you are who you are because of yourself, and similarly, who you were before, it was never because me."

Donghyuck bites his lip. "You will never convince me otherwise."

Mark chuckles, looking at Donghyuck so fondly, he might as well stop pretending his heart no longer skips three beats for Donghyuck.

"Thank you, Mark-hyung," Donghyuck says sincerely. The light in his eyes back. The warmth. Like it's welcoming Mark back home. "For everything. I mean it."

Mark's chest is still in pain. And it hurts now more than ever, but it's nothing compared to the smile that Donghyuck is giving him now.

It's cold, cold, cold in Seoul, but Mark has never felt warmth this comfortable in years.

[♡]

“Donghyuck, this isn’t going to work if you don’t fucking give me a chance to explain!” Mark screams a few feet behind Donghyuck.

The younger is running away, and Mark is beginning to think that convincing him to go to the gym might not be the greatest decision he has made, because Donghyuck is literally _sprinting,_ like he’s being chased by something so terrifying.

Mark almost stops. Donghyuck, who always called him home, is now scared of him. Nothing feels worse than that.

So he runs, faster than he’s ever ran his entire life, until he catches up with Donghyuck, pulling him so he could look at him for once.

Mark almost lets go of Donghyuck’s arm when he sees the younger crying. A deep, painful breath comes out of Mark’s mouth, and it’s hurting his chest, like inhaling a cloud of smoke, or being hit by a ball in the back.

Donghyuck doesn’t stop crying. He sobs and heaves and he doesn’t wipe his tears nor cover his face. He doesn’t hide his pain from Mark like he used to, and Mark would rather have Donghyuck hit him across the face than this.

"Donghyuck, can you just -"

“I’m tired,” Donghyuck sobs. “Mark, I’m so tired. You’re push and pull, and it’s clearly hurting me. _You’re_ hurting me, Mark.”

“I’m sorry,” is all what Mark could come up with.

It's the night of Donghyuck's first showcase, the first show he's headlining along with musicians and artists from different universities. Mark had promised Donghyuck he'd watch and support him, but things doesn't always go on Mark's favor, because one of board directors of the huge company he's trying to score an internship from gave him an opportunity to present one of his recent projects. Mark had to choose between two important things, and he's known for making terrible choices.

Donghyuck got mad, but promised he understood. He asked Mark for some space, at least for the rest of the night. But Mark wanted to apologize properly, to take him out for dinner even if it's already past midnight, and insisted that they should talk about it. Donghyuck refused, Mark kept insisting, until the younger said something about Mark being a shitty boyfriend.

"I never said anything about being your boyfriend," was Mark's dumb reply.

Donghyuck sobs.

“This,” Donghyuck says, gesturing the small space between them. “I don’t think it’s worth all of the pain I am feeling right now, Mark. I-I, I used to think that maybe someday this will all be worth it, but I am tired of waiting for that day. I am drained and you have consumed all of me, Mark Lee. What else do you want from me?”

“I-I…” Mark stutters. _I want you to give me a chance. I want you to give me more time to figure some things out myself. I want you to wait a little longer._

"I broke up with Renjun the night you kissed me again," Donghyuck confesses. "I told him it would be unfair if I kept leading him on when I know that I am still ridiculously in love with you. He said it would be alright and that he's giving me all the time and space I need to think about things."

Donghyuck lets out a sob. "But I didn't need time and space, Mark. Because I already knew that all I've ever wanted was you. I didn't need to think. I only needed you."

Mark doesn't know what to say next. 

“If you're not going to say anything, let me go,” Donghyuck sternly says. Mark has a feeling it’s not the grip on his arm that Donghyuck is talking about. “Please.”

The single biggest mistake of Mark’s life happened on the third street, under the broken streetlight, across the ice cream parlor Donghyuck used to work at when he was seventeen.

He lets go. Donghyuck stops waiting.

[♡]

Mark loses count on how many times he's looked at the night of Jaehyun and Doyoung's wedding.

Donghyuck dances with Renjun in the middle of the dance floor along with other people, and Donghyuck looks at Renjun like he's made of stars and galaxies.

Mark misses his timing again. Meanwhile, Donghyuck has found his perfect timing.

[♡]

Mark finds Donghyuck waiting on the bus stop like planned. The younger is reading a book when he arrives, and his eyes light up immediately upon Mark's presence.

"Hyung!" he exclaims but remains rooted in his place. "Come sit for a sec. I'm just waiting for Sanha. He's handing me his notes for the class I missed yesterday."

Mark nods, sitting beside Donghyuck. It's a little warm, with summer approaching fast, so he offers Donghyuck to take a sip of his watermelon slushie. Donghyuck happily drinks, but keeps his eyes glued to the book his reading.

"Hyung, I read something a little sad," he says. "Look."

Mark scoots closes to read. It's Donghyuck's book from the enviroment class his taking. Mark doesn't understand a word from all the jargons and methods, but he sees a butterfly sucking a flower's nectar.

"Basically, dumbass," Donghyuck explains when he sees the confusion in Mark's forehead. "It means that certain flowers bloom when butterflies hatch and depends on how they match each other. Butterflies, they prefer light-colored flowers they can perch on. So when the timing is off, the flower misses the butterfly. The butterfly, therefore, finds another flower."

"What happens to the flower then? If it misses all the timing?" Mark asks. 

Donghyuck smiles, looking at him, and Mark has never been more in love. 

"Well, they bloom again next spring," Donghyuck answer.

Mark reaches out to ruffle Donghyuck's hair a little, earning a fond look from the younger's loving eyes. 

"And?" 

"Hope that maybe next time, the timing is better. That the butterfly arrives just in time for the flowers to bloom."

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @dreamrenhyuck!


End file.
